Was reading over my/our history today...

1) what starsign are you?
2) how tall are you?
3) what color are your eyes? do they shift color?
4) do you have freckles?
6) what nationality are your descendants? Are we talking Irish?
7)Do you carry your schoolbooks in front of your chest with your arms wrapped around them?
8)When did you learn to swim?
9)Salt water or fresh water better?
10) Sun or rain?
11) What floor of your house is your bedroom on?
12) Piercings?
13) Scars?
14) Do you snort when you laugh? Do you laugh with your body?

capricorn - with the personality of a leo
165cm or so. taller with heels. (duh) blue-grey-green. yes, they shift. mostly blue. i have freckles. they aren't really obvious. more on my arms. they don't show up much - i forget they're there - but when i go to qld they come out i have pale skin, blue eyes and very much red hair. i'm seventh generation australian. way back when, my descendants came from ireland england and scotland. i think. as for my schoolbooks...i have so many i generally just carry my bag around school! but when i carry them...yes. sometimes. :D i learnt to swim...supposedly at lessons when i was...5? but really, i learnt to swim when i went to cairns ... i think i was about 6. that holiday has some really clear memories attached to it...i'll tell you about it later. salt or fresh water...different. both are good. for the atmosphere, the air, the freshness, and for walking along the beach early in the morning or at sunset - salt. for relaxation, swimming, splashing, diving, living - fresh. sun or rain...both. either. depends on the time of year. although i love summer. a lot. so mostly sun. but thunderstorms are fantastic. my bedroom is on the third floor, at the end of the house, next to the bathroom that i share with my sister. i have pierced ears. just one hole in each. i have tiny scars on my hands and face. they're not really noticable, but i know they're there. from chickenpox when i was 11, and just general kid life. and i have one on my thumb from when i chopped it with a kitchen knife when i was about 8. i laugh...depends what i'm laughing at.sometimes i snort. not often. not like in miss congeniality! :D

So this is me. So how come I don't know how to find myself sometimes...

Maybe this is the answer. I think that this is me - me more truthfully, more real...

Naked Girl and Mirror

This is not I. I had no body once --
only what served my need to laugh and run
and stare at stars and tentatively dance
on the fringe of foam and wave and sand and sun.
Eyes loved, hands reached for me, but I was gone
on my own currents, quicksilver, thistledown.
Can I be trapped at last in that soft face?

I stare at you in fear, dark brimming eyes.
Why do you watch me with that immoderate plea--
"Look under these curled lashes, recognize
that you were always here; know me--be me."
Smooth once-hermaphrodite shoulders, too tenderly
your long slope runs, above those sudden shy
curves furred with light that spring below your space.

No, I have been betrayed. If I had known
that this girl waited between a year and a year,
I'd not have chosen her bough to dance upon.
Betrayed, by that little darkness here, and here
this swelling softness and that frightened stare
from eyes I will not answer; shut out here
from my own self, by its new body's grace--

for I am betrayed by someone lovely. Yes,
I see you are lovely, hateful naked girl.
Your lips in the mirror tremble as I refuse
to know or claim you. Let me go--let me be gone.
You are half of some other who may never come.
Why should I tend you? You are not my own;
you seek that other--he will be your home.

Yet I pity your eyes in the mirror, misted with tears;
I lean to your kiss. I must serve you; I will obey.
Some day we may love. I may miss your going, some day,
though I shall always resent your dumb and fruitful years.
Your lovers shall learn better, and bitterly too,
if their arrogance dares to think I am part of you.

Judith Wright 1966

I hate
I absolutely completely hate
Being useless
Redundant
Especially when it's out of my control
When it's not my fault
And when I could be useful
Have the talents
Want to do it
And can't...

Just because the person in charge is too stressed to appreciate my wishes to help...well, it seems to me to be just plain wrong.

However...I think that in learning to (painfully) accept that not all in the world will go the way it should, maybe things will be more peaceful. It's a steep curve, but... I think a necessary one. Not that I shouldn't work for better things, but just that sometimes when you've taken it far enough, there is worth to be found in simply taking a step back, and accepting that there is nothing that you can do. When you've fought it all you can, and anything further will be counter-productive, well... probably better to just stop.

Crappy day yesterday. It was just depressing. I felt very unloved...I think I needed to see some friends, but instead I spent the whole day by myself, trying to work. It was awful... even going out of the house didn't help. On a happier note though, my SAC P1 was ok...better than the last two...better than yesterday.

I hate it when the people you trust to have good judgement turn out to be somehow lacking. Even if it's the smallest, stupidest thing...it always seems to undermine my faith in the world.

Thirteen-and-a-half hour working day today. It's a little insane. Ah well. The weekend is soon. Tomorrow in fact. Even though I have work to do, I will make myself have fun.

Shopping for a gypsy skirt
and more baggy pants
at the sunday markets in camberwell

Going to see Crossroads
for the sole purpose of escapism
and of course to laugh at Britney
(isn't that what she's there for?)

And I will read
about Australian parliaments
voting and elections
patrick white's fringe of leaves
street signs and computer screens
and nando's orders from cranky customers

man, no wonder i have glasses.

I'll get to telling you about the formal in a second. But first I have to share this poem. (Sadly not mine.)It's amazing...

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightening they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good light.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


It has the most incredible rhythm and beauty in it. Poignant and unrelentingly moving.

Now, the formal. It was fantastic. We all had a wonderful time. Unlike last year, there was no really dodgy aspect. At least, not for myself and my friends. Everyone looked stunning, all the dates were lovely people who treated us well, the venue was great, photos, dancing, limo, everything - awesome. On the whole, peoples dresses were individual and classy - with a few notable exceptions I won't mention. (heehee!) I got to bed at 5am and slept til 1pm, with the result that I'm not tired at all! Very nice...

When I have photos, I'll try to post them. Even just for the dress factor (I love my dress!!!!!!!)

That's all for now - I *have* to finish my essay!

hey hey
you'd think I would've had enough of typing in the last few days
just finished my 1250-word Jane Eyre essay...the first draft anyways...
so far 8.5 hours spent
(not all on writing, mind you)
more work to come...
but it's good. i like to work. [note to self - just keep telling yourself that!]
the formal is in two days, and the nails that I've been cultivating for 2 weeks are still intact...amaaaazing...truly. I've never been able to grow my nails.
it's a big unknown really, but i'm glad. more glad this week is almost over. it's been one of those weeks that feels like it goes for at least the duration of two. and it's only been four days. Anzac day next week will help too.
I think I'm going to go get a milkshake.

--> I'm stressing a little, but work is good.
--> Been having nightmares about my TER. But I'm not scared. At least, not when I'm conscious.
--> I need more sleep, anyway.
--> I got new pants on the weekend. They're very funky. [did I write about this before?] Brown cords. Sooooo comfy!! :D
--> Sush's new header rocks!
--> Jose - I'm going to read Machiavelli's Prince soon! (I think it's relevant to Renaissance Italy, yeah?) BTW, how's my book going? Are you reading it? ;)
--> I understand solariums about as much as I understand smoking. Both cause cancer. Except solariums are almost worse, cause they're not an addiction... Watching the teenage girls around me can be so depressing...ack. Thank God I don't tan.
--> "There is never only one, of anyone." - Cat's Eye, by Margaret Atwood. I love that concept. It's so beautiful.
--> "Pax Tibi Marci Evangelista Meus"...this translates to "Peace be with you, Mark my evangelist". This is what Mark heard in a vision from God while resting in the sea near Venice, before it was a mighty trading empire - or at least, that's what the Venetians claimed when, in starting out, they made him their patron saint and stole his body. [Long story!]

Man....I haven't posted for aaages...not a good thing!
Here's why - abbreviated for time purposes!

School holidays --> limited net access :(
Holidays --> more sleep, more work (@ chicken place!) more videos!
Holidays --> seeing all my friends...most of my friends, anyway

So...what's news...news is...

The formal is next weekend. Pretty excited. Even though I wasn't before...now that I have my earrings I am! (Go figure...) Am worried about the way lack of sleep will affect me the next week tho...approx 14 hours of partying straight will take its toll. But you only do these things once! :D

Also...arguments over incoming new kitten...I want one, my sister wants another, my mum wants another. Guess who's winning...not happy...oh well. At the end of the day they are all gorgeous, though some have more personality than others. And to an extent they're right in saying I'm probably moving out soon anyway...good...

Homework is almost all done. I'll finish it today. Just a plan and some reading revision to go...not that I had a whole lot, unlike everyone else.

The last day of the holidays is always a little weird. I tried to get a friend to go to the movies with me to celebrate. Any friend. They're all doing homework! (NB Am I the only organised person on the planet? Or just the only one I seem to know at school...hmm.. ;) )

I may end up going to the movies by myself. The last time I did that it was a bit of an adventure...pretty fun...and I want to see the latest Woody Allen. I love Woody Allen. Don't know why, I just do. I like his neurosis and his ability to laugh at himself and the way he creates such closed worlds.

Tomorrow the cycle starts again. I *know* the next three or four weeks are going to be insane - I plan ahead of time, but still it's a bit scary. This term will be different to last term, hopefully still fantastic though. I'm actually looking forward to it!!

Here goes...wish me luck! (again :) )